When the robot mind is mastered

To send a letter is a good way to go somewhere without moving anything but your heart.

Phyllis Theroux

Sometimes I feel like I’m just playing at being a writer. I’m far from prolific and sometimes I have to drag the words kicking and screaming from my brain, not like some of my good friends who update their blogs regularly with interesting stuff. I sit here thinking: what can I write? And then decide that no-one gives a crap about what’s inside my head so I’ll go and play Blood Bowl (remember that all you GW nerds?)

I don’t understand it. I used to write music like there was no tomorrow, I could ‘feel’ it more than I can my writing. I admit that whilst I’ve been writing Charnel Butterflies (my NaNoWriMo offering) there were a couple of moments when I choked a little bit with emotion when someone got their stones kicked off, and a couple more moments when I laughed at their dialogue (in a good way, rather than laughing at them sounding like they’re in TOWIE. Who watches that? I ask you??). These moments were too few and far between for my liking. Maybe life’s trials have taken their toll and changed me into an unfeeling robot.

Still, I plough onwards, revising and editing and someone better at writing than me can tell me some home truths about the quality of my stuff.

They mustn’t worry about being brutal in their dissection of my efforts. I am after all, an unfeeling robot.


4 Comments to “When the robot mind is mastered”

  1. The point of a blog is so that people do start to care about the things going on inside your head. 🙂 Keep doing it. The followers will come.

  2. ‘just playing at being a writer’ – isn’t that half the fun: that it IS play rather than work?

    I’ve been writing all my life, but only in the last year or so have I been able to think of myself as a ‘writer’. It’s taken a lot of hard work and many, many stumblings to get to that point (you referenced my blog, so you know I’m telling the truth!).

    Part of it is realising that it isn’t all that important if people care what’s going on inside your head – so long as YOU do! If you care, that goes into your writing and makes it ‘worthy’ in your own eyes. If you don’t think people care, and end up thinking the same then that too will transfer onto the page and make you doubt yourself.

    The good thing is that you’re still plugging away at it – you may want to distance yourself and be ‘an unfeeling robot’, but is that what you really want? Better to feel and use that as material than pretend not to care.

    Mostly I feel my blog is just my own ramblings and am surprised when I get over 10 hits a day! Keep on going and eventually you’ll realise that it’s all helping to build you up as a writer and allow yourself the permission to reference yourself as such.

    Keep blogging…I want to know if your thoughts change over the next few weeks/months: especially about the NaNo novel!
    (PS this is as brutal as my advice gets! Except when being a Nazi about word counts.)

    • Cheers Cat, as ever, very wise words. Although I’m not sure that wanting people to care fits my mindset very much; I feel much freer as a writer when I’m writing whatever I want to rather than worrying what other people might think (and I AM worried about what my wife will think about Charnel Butterflies – she may never look at me the same again!)

      As for your own blog, your ramblings are insightful and as writers (if I may be so pretentious to call myself such), we can share some kind of empathy through our blogs.

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